Do I tell my wife and children I'm gay?

Posted September 29th, 2008 by noocleer

Me and my wife have just had our second kid. I love both my kids and my wife, but I've just realized I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I haven't met anyone, but I don't want to lie. Should I wait until the kids are grown and at college, do I confess now and blow my family apart?

47 comment(s) so far

Answers

Uh No! Don't Hurt your wife like that, she'd just die. Lets not mention the psychological effects of the little children growing up in a house like that. if you're going to tell her keep it from the children, save some part of you family ;)

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i agree -- wait for the kids to grow up, but share with your wife?

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Do some guy and see if you like your dick being in assholes.

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You are an idiot.

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Yes, I know a guy who is gay and hides it. The most unhappy character I've ever met.

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tough one...i think you should seek some counselling to make sure that you really know what you want. telling your wife now without advice from professionals could ruin everything. seek help from professionals then go togther to talk this through as a husband and wife. good luck mate, do you 'know' or just think that you could be gay? please go and see someone who can give proper considered advice please

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I think it would be best to come clean. (No pun intended :P)

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Yes, I know this situation well, and hiding it not only would make you miserable, but eventually it will reflect the misery on your family as well, and that in itself might break the family apart, but they won't even realize why at that point. At least if you tell the truth to your wife, whatever comes of it you and she will both know what happened to the marriage and family and why it had to happen that way. After telling your wife, whatever decisions that need to be made can then be made by the two of you, instead of just you trying to make the decision yourself (to tell or not to tell)...so, it's really only fair to tell her.

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Tell her NOW! Do not wait. You will be miserable your whole life and things will just be much much more worse when you drop the bomb on them later. Kids of gay parents love them and are able to deal with it much better when they are younger. If you wait until they are old they will feel like their whole lives were a lie and you lied to them and will hate you.

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Yeh, after almost ten years of marriage and an 8 year old son my husband and I separated and I am now finding out that he "plays on the other team". I'm sure that he will blame it on his drug addiction but how do I begin to tell our son or do I let him tell his son.

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Vagina better than penis yum yum

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Just run away! The kids will handle that much better than knowing that you like packing fudge.

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You're an asshole

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I have a friend whose dad is gay, and came out when she was pretty young. She loves him and her mom respects him, and I feel like it is because he was honest with them. However, if you can see it being better for your family if you don't leave them, you need to stay. You obviously love your wife, even if you are not in love with her, and that is a lot better than some people out there. Children grow up better when they don't have a fractured family.

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Are you really gay or just like anal sex better? You wife most probably does not want to touch you anally or use a strapon. Are you fustrated and looking for a change? Don't do it until the kids are on their own.

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yes, i agree with most of the comments wait until the children are grown up if u think at anytime ur children can handle talking about something like that then let them know asap tell ur wife straight up ask her if she would like to use a stapon on u just to see what she will say if she agrees u dont have to worry about loosing ur family keep it between u 2

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wow i think you should tell someone like a consler or somthing. dont blow up your family you will even more miserable. trust me i havent seen half my family for 4 years. wait til the kids grow up

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if you think you are a gay,you will be more gay.
so just try to make yourself straight.
being gays will hurt your family,please don't do that..

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Wow - you really have a very apt username

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This is the worst and most backward comment on this site- sounds like "old country" thinking, not a solution for the situation at hand.

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Tell them. You are who you are. I dont think your kids will care or dislike you. Your wife may be upset but not as upset as she would be if you wait years to tell her.

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My best advice would be to gradually let things on her if you do choose to reveal this. Waiting will only make things more painful for all parties. I would assume that if your children find out at a younger age they will be much more equipped to handle the situation in the long term before they develop any bias or dislike towards gay people. If you wait, both you and your wife will persist on for another 18 years and do you honestly think waiting 18 years will make her happier? Think of it this way, if you knew now and prolonged this you will both be single at a much older age and it will be much more difficult to move on and meet someone new for the two of you. If I were you I would simply end the relationship gradually and when the time is right after the separation you can then maybe tell her why. I am not you and don't know all the facets of the situation but I wish you all the best with your decision.

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I am assuming most of this advice is coming from ignorant people because some of this shit is ridiculous. If you think you are gay, it is almost a certainty that you are gay. Coming from someone who went through a fairly similar situation I can confidently say that although this will be one of the most difficult things in your life, it will be worth it for EVERYONE to just come clean. You obviously love your family and that is what matters. Living some secret life going behind her back and your children is far worse. What if they found out from a third party that you were in fact gay, how do you think that would affect your family? Think of all the things you would miss out on in those 18 years. Think of all that your wife would miss out on those 18 years. Lying will only hurt everyone more when you do come clean. There are plenty of resources on how to come clean and stop living a complete and utter lie. See a counselor and look into your local resources on gay support groups in the area or surrounding areas, it is a surprising amount of help. I really do hope you make the best choice not only for yourself but your family as well.

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You should first see a counselor to see where you're attraction is rooted. It seems odd to me that you would 'discover' you're gay so far into your life. I'm from the camp who supports the idea that being gay may be something at birth and I don't see how social strongholds can be such to keep you in the dark about yourself for so many years. There may be a myriad of reasons you're attracted to the same sex which may NOT make you gay. Just to name a few: You may have repressed trauma, you may have a hormonal imbalance (like your body all of a sudden producing too many estrogens), you may resent women and be burying that, you may be BISEXUAL, you may just be kinky. Get to the bottom of your feelings. Do you want a long term relationship with a man or just sex? If it's just sex you may not be gay. If you are certain you're gay or bisexual, you should, after seeing counceling and BEFORE pursuing a gay relationship, talk to your wife. DO NOT TELL THE KIDS YET. She may be willing to manage the relationship with you, especially if you're bisexual (fact is, she may have skeletons of her own!). If divorce is on the horizon, you need to explain WHY to your kids. You can just tell them that mommy and daddy want different things and that's why you're not together, but that doesn't mean you don't love them..etc etc and BE A GOOD CO-PARENT. Be certain this is not some way of running away from responsability buried deep inside. Next, let it explain itself to your children over the years. Slowly, as they get older, if you find a serious relationship, slowly exposing your children to it and letting them ask questions which you will answer with love.

I have seen this strategy work in many ways for several people. Don't let it be a big cataclysmic climax or else it WILL cause trauma and possibly cause your kids to reject your choice and reject YOU (and may make them homophobic, since said choice is why their mommy and daddy broke up etc.) Making it a normal transition with understanding, love and support, is KEY.

Do not listen to these people who tell you to put yourself totally FIRST at the sacrifice of your families social and mental stability to save your own. Bullshit. You're stronger than that and being tactful, respectful, understanding, loving and patient is your responsability since you are introducing the change.

Good luck.

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Alternatively, you can stick to the choice you made already which is to have a family and raise your family and be a family. You may find it VERY worthwhile to you, even at the sacrifice of your PERSONAL desires, to be comitted to your choice to start a family with this woman. Sexual gratification isn't all there is to love and doesn't fullfill every need. It is possible you CAN find all you need in your relationship if you are communicative.

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In an absolute world this sentiment is awesome.
Sexuality plays an important part in the majority of intimate human relationships. If this was not the case; sexual orientation would not be a factor to when contemplating a LTR with another person.

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Dude..Your in a no win situation! If you tell your wife and destroy the family she is going to become so angry that she is going to tell your kids anyway. She will bad mouth you and more than likely made snide remarks about your i'm guessing "bisexuality" in front of them. You say you haven't met anyone but thats just your way of covering up the fact that you've already cheated on your wife with several men! You may as well face your consquences now! Prolonging this is only going to hurt them more.

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of course you must wait for them to grow up.

(otherwise, molest them in the bathroom before they grow up. i mean obviously they can't tell why you're touching them there like that, so, they'll forget it forever)

how stupid

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Shy, obviously your the one who is truly stupid and ignorant. Most of the post you have made are negative, unrealistic, childish, crude and certainly not helpful, oh and did I say stereotypically ignorant, clearly you do not know what your talking about and I hope that noocleer ignores your comments. For Noclear, having gone through this experience myself, married 14 years, knowing I was gay/bi and having 4 kids, my wife and I split, two were teens, two were to young to understand at the time. It was a challenge for us all, All of them know now and we have a very close relationship. Break it slowly in stages, and certainly go get some professional help for yourself first to ensure you have thought out the entire situation and validate who you are and what you want. Later you may need to include your family with the professional help depending upon how it goes. Expect the worst, hope for the best. Eventually you must tell your wife, or she will figure it out on her own and that will be much worse.

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So its been 6 months, have you told them? Update please

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LONG STORY SHORT:
Tell her now if you care any at all for her. if you dont the burden and stress will lead to many fights. Your kids will be unhappy with two distant parents.
My experience is that this is the worst thing to tell a woman that you are leaving her for a man- the pain is hard to watch.
Its been 3 years now and we are finally best friends again; she has a boyfriend and so do I. We are waiting for our kids to choose their orientation before I tell them mine, unless they ask (my partner and I live together- my kids visit regularly)
HONESTY in this case may lead to pain but it is still the BEST policy- best of luck. I am in a good place now.

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Well, you could do what my dad did. He sat my mom down and told her, he apologized to her. But My mom had caught him cheating so, that's one thing you don't have to deal with. It's better for her to know then to go through life wondering why her marriage isn't working. Your wife will do what my mom did; survive. Ask for the kids, remind them that you love them. My dad told me when i was 9, and I'm now 19. I talk to his partner Steveie all the time, he is like a second dad, it's kind of cool.

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look dude if your gay your gay as long as you let your family know you love them and you doin't do it with a man while the kids are in the house then your fine but look your might wana be lesbian you never know but dont let it ruin the family dont listen to all this bullshit about this that BLAH BLAH BLAH just live your life.!!!

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Dude, lying and living a life without integrity is NO way to live. Your children learn by example, and whether you recognize it or not, they can sense your lack of desire for your spouse. You will live a tireless and worthless life if it is built on a lie. Fact of the matter is, your spouse already knows to begin with, and knows she is living a lie just as well....the truth shall set you free...

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you should tell your wife and not wait untill your love becomes more stronger and your kids you will be okay take things easy but tell your wife

ha ur gay

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Take it from a gay guy who walked into a bar 35 years ago and fell in love with a girl. Tell her now. Do not wait. The price you pay and you force the ones you love to pay is inexcusable. And what you will do to your loved ones as the years roll by and you seek to hide is...well...unforgiveable. I came out to my wife in August; we're sorting through things. But the thing to keep in mind through it all is this: you're lying to yourself, you're lying to people you love; you're lying to the God who made you this way...for a reason! Just stop lying. Whatever the price now, it pales in comparison to the price paid three decades from now. This advice comes from my wife and me.

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fagget

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shy is gay
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you will be ok.. im gay and it sucks to tell people straight up ackward turtle...

you will be ok.. im gay and it sucks to tell people straight up ackward turtle...

you don't have a choice about being gay - for men, it is almost 100% inborn - not certain it is genetic or something that develops in a fetus.
Sex is an important part of our lives and we live in a society supercharged with sex - it is everywhere all day long. Sex is made into something very important and if you are not all charged up about it something wrong with you. Reality is that some of us are very horny people and other less so - like any trait, everyone is not the same. And as an earlier post pointed out, some people can be bisexual - attracted to both men and women.
Before you plunge into this difficult and disruptive decision at this time, make sure you know who and what you are.
There is one more aspect to this: everyone talks about "missing out" etc. That should not be a consideration. Many are hurt by this attitude. Missing out is never a justification.
One final consideration is the balance of your needs and what you can do for others in this often miserable world. Sex and gender are not everything.
Sorry, I am not making it any easier. But life is shades of grey and seldom black and white.

you should def be honest..u posted this years ago...did u tell her yet???
well i hope u did..i actually gedt kinda angry reading this ..my boyfriend told me hes gay..and it is hard but i wish he was honest b4 i fell in love with hime and now i still love him and i hate it..i know ur wife is already in deep in his relationship but u shud tell her now and let her try move on..
..like i dont understand how u didnt realise this sooner..i feel bad for ur wife who prob loves u and doesnt know her relationship is a lie....

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just for all you idiots who keep saying "shy..." if you post anonymous or dont have an account that is what comes up and to your problem ... i would probably say professional help and fixing the problem now as best you can also i think this problem is like playing roulette ... a lot could happen to be good and the same for the bad so its just the luck of the draw hope you bet good ... i would try waiting a bit first seeing if i could handle being married gay and not cheating or get over being gay ... good luck to you sir

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Tell her yesterday. My husband waited 30 years to tell me -- and I hate him for stealing my life. Tell her.

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