answerJam

Fighting Fate.

Posted July 5th, 2010 by Lost Cat

I met him in training-
We were both in the service at the time and became good friends. After a couple months we be became lovers; at the age of 19 I officially had my first lover. :)

I lived the majority of my life with my mother and grandmother in a small town in NM. He was from NY, Korean decent extremely geeky but very sweet and generous. Lol. We emotionally supported each other while in training, I never felt such a purpose knowing that I was loved my someone other than family.

Eight months later he got transferred back to NY to continue training while I on the other hand had to continue mine in SC. He rarely called me like we planned (every Friday) I felt so lonely and depressed. But I knew in my heart that I would see him again, I would make sure of it. That thought, gave me the strength to get out of bed and endure the days->weeks->months. I constantly tried to call him during this time; but my only response was an apologetic voicemail greeting of "Hey this is -- leave a message" followed by something in Korean. I felt like my life was on hold. Three months passed so I decided there was no hope; many of my friends told me to move on. I left a message on his voicemail saying that 'I wasn't call him any longer because I didn't know what was going on and that I hope he was doing ok.'

A couple days later around my graduation point for the second phase of my training. My phone had a missed call; it was him. :D
I was so happy I listened to the voicemail message he sent me. He said 'he was sorry he didn't call me and that his shift work hours were really crazy'. At that point I was so happy he could of told me he went to space and I would've believed him. I immediately called him and he picked up after only a couple rings. I was so happy to hear his voice. Life seemed good.
I started my third and finally phase of training (each phase is 6 months long) To hear his voice gave me so much motivation to do my best everyday so I could call him the following night. I mentioned marriage to him so we could get transferred somewhere together (not at the same command, but same state at least) he was very hesitant, he began saying that 'it was to soon'. I knew it was to soon (it was only about a year since we met), but in my heart I knew he was for me so I didn't care. Then he said, 'his mother wouldn't accept me because I didn't know any Korean to speak with his mother'. I went out and bought "Learning Korean CD program" lol..which was immensly boring. But I still tried and learned some common phrases to somewhat in my mind speak with his mother. But still he was set that it was to soon. I told him I would wait.

It all started again, I called like usually but no answer this time it lasted one month...same excuse. So, I decided --seeing that I was getting time off in December I would fly up to NY and see him, instead of my mother/grandmother. I told my mother but lied to my grandmother. (She would've of been furious with me seeing him, after his episodes of not acknowledging me and me crying to her) In my head I thought I was making a mistake but in my heart I wanted to make things work out and show my worth to him and his family.
The weekend before, I went shopping and gave myself a total makeover. I even bought new luggage LOL I told him the time I was coming- he seemed 'somewhat' excited. That following Friday I felt like I was in a dream. I felt so pretty and happy. I arrived in Albany, NY in my new dress and matching luggage only to find out there was no sign of him anywhere. I called him 3 times but no answer only the apologetic voicemail greeting of "Hey this is -- leave a message" followed by something in Korean--..... I sat down off near the corner of the terminal and started to cry. Two hours passed I figured I could just buy a ticket back to SC if I didn't hear from him at midnight. About 30 mins later my phone rings. It was him. He explained that he got himself into some trouble at work and was on his way. I saw his truck pull up in front of the arrival doors and ran out to see him. He was in a suit :) I was no longer upset with him. Life was good.
I met his mother who thought I was very beautiful, she had tea with me and at the same time she taught me some Korean (my "Learn Korean CD Program" did nothing for me) I was so flattered when she gave me two braclets with Korean flowers on them. My boyfriend seemed happy that his mother accepted me and noted that she wanted us (all of us) to live together and help raise our kids. Lol(I thought that was alittle weird but I was flattered how much she liked me). That night was the best night of my life.
Going back to SC was probably the hardest thing for me to do. I wanted to stay with him even if it meant me getting in trouble with my command. He influenced me to go back and that we would see each other again. After the trip things between us were good. I, however, felt really sick and had pains in my abdominal area; I was scared to tell anyone thinking it might be pregnancy-it was too soon for me to be sure. (Being a woman in the military is hard enough, but being a pregnant woman in the military would've been worse; me being non-married/pregnant--I would've fit the typical sterotype that everyone hated and possibly ruin my military career if anyone knew.) I was so scared.
Around the begining of January he called me saying he was getting Discharged from service due to an integrity violation. He seemed really upset; he had a car payment and had to pay back his bonus for joining. I brought up marriage to him again. I could help him and being married to a miltary member, he as a spouse could go back to school for free. Not to mention that I still thought I was pregnant. I told him my idea and the stituation that I was also in. He agreed. I told my mother and grandmother about my "engagement" NOT pregancy. My mother seemed ok with it, but the first thing my grandmother asked me afterwards was "---, are you pregnant?" :/ I swear she could read minds. Lol. I was determined to know if I was so, I finally went to the medical branch for them to give me a blood test. (Store bought test weren't working for me) I thought to myself that if I was I would be so happy to be able to create something with this man that I loved so much. I would be so lucky if I was granted to create life with him.
The following week the results determined that I wasn't pregnant. I was crushed. :( I told my boyfriend about it. But that was the last thing on his mind at that time. :/ He sounded awful on the phone dealing with paperwork from the Mast and dealing with humilating jobs the Service was giving him until he got out. I felt so bad for him. After that phone call I didn't hear from him again for two weeks :( He finally picked up he said he was sort of busy at the moment, I asked him what he was doing at the moment he said playing WoW. (WoW- World of Warcraft is an online RPG game) I was angry and upset. I told him how 'I was tired of how he treated me and made me feel the past year and half with him not calling . I told him that maybe we shouldn't get married'. It broke my heart hearing that he so easily agreed with me. He also said that 'I should move on and find someone better, that I deserved better'. My heart was broken.
A month passed I felt so numb. I was about to graduate my third and finally phase of training; afterwards I was to head to my first non-training command in WA. A (male) friend of mine asked me out to the movies I was hesitant to go. My girlfriends told me it would be good for me; so I did. The guy was really nice, but I wasn't really attracted to him. (My ex was by no means the famous Korean Pop singer Rain LOL but my heart was still set on him.) My friend took me out to dinner and we talked on the couch. He started kissing me and started to get serious, in my mind I just started thinking of my ex; I started crying and my friend stopped kissing me. I told him that this wasn't going to work. I still loved my ex. He left understanding my stituation. The moment he left. I felt such devotion for my ex. I was determined to be true to him, to show him that I wanted him despite the fact he had nothing to show for himself; I called him. He picked up I told him
'I was sorry for what I said to him and that I wanted him, I wanted to make things work for us.' He told me 'things for him were really bad and that it would be best if left him alone.' I asked him how.. he told me the command 'checked him in to the mental branch for suicide watch.' I told him I would 'see him immediately after Graduation' --which was that following week.--

I flew up to Albany, NY again. He looked and smelled awful. When I got to his apartment I was even more distraught. He was usually really clean/prefectionist. But his mental state obiviously took that away from him. I cleaned up his apartment, clothes and made him shower Lol. We went to Wal-mart and I bought him groceries. I made him something to eat and we started to talk about his plans after his discharge. I felt so bad for him. He then told me how much 'he appreciated me for coming and helping him out'. I told him that I still loved him and I would always be there for him. I never seen a man cry before until then. I slept with him in my arms that night. Despite of him being 3 years older than me I felt like he needed me.
We decided to celebrate the day before I was leaving just him and I. I'm not much of a drinker I usually just drink wine coolers. He wasn't much of one either, but tonight he said 'was a special night'. We went out and got a bottle of this wine called the "White Cat" o-o which tasted nothing like my wine coolers that I was use to drinking. I had one sip and spit it out. He however kept drinking it. I was satisfied eating my pizza. Later that night he got really red in the face and silly, I finally broke down and forced myself to have a whole glass so I could be alittle tipsy with him. We both got silly and started to mess around when I hit him in his sensitive area. LOL. After that he snapped and became really mulky and depressed saying that he 'deserved that' despite of me telling him it was an accident. He started talking crazy that 'I shouldn't of came'. I didn't listen to any of his nonsense. I kept wiping his forehead with water, his temperature was really high I was extremely worried. I made him drink some water he pushed me away. That was the first night I ever cried in front of a man. There he was a complete mess on the floor when we were suppose to be "celebrating". I thought to myself-- "What am I doing here? I cannot make this man love me the way I wish to be loved. Is this my fate with him?" I was crying my eyes out to myself picturing all the times this man made me cry myself to sleep, airport, work... I thought to myself, "I am the biggest fool".. From no were as if he felt my pain the old friend that I knew from over a year ago came back, he somehow came to his senses and hugged me. Maybe I needed him.

I transfered to WA to my first ship. I still haven't heard from him in over 3 months. I tried calling him multiple times before having to switch my phone #. I'm about to leave for deployment in a couple weeks for 9 months :( I am afraid I will never hear or see him again. His birthday is coming up should I even bother sending him anything? Should I just give up? I have so much lovesickness for this man its insane. Am I crazy for not giving up on him? For feeling this way for him?

I'm so sorry my post was so long x-x At least you know the "jitz" of my story. :P