So, I have a really hard time just, telling people things that are really me. I have no problem talking. Oh goodness, no problem at all. It's just superficial, though. I even have a large stockpile of 'secrets' and 'personal information' enough so people think I'm opening up to them and letting them know some deep dark emotional parts of my past... but really it's just material. I mean, I don't want to sound terrible here. It's all the truth, what I tell people; it's just that the things I tell them are personal enough so that they feel they are connecting with me, they just don't realize that the material I tell them is fairly common knowledge. It's not necessarily me finally cracking some of the inner layers. It's just me regurgitating the tear jerking moments of my life past the point of meaning.
Now that that long-winded explanation is over.. I don't know what else to say. I see people getting closer to others with some of these ...opening up.. moments. And while I have amazing close friends, I just feel a certain lacking sensation. I can't help but wonder if it's my inability to truly open up. I'm guarded, I guess; I know my vulnerabilities and choose to bury them. That's a way to survive, right?
As much as I believe my guarded personality isn't doing me any favors, I also recognize that I don't want to be that person who talks about him/herself all the time and finds every opportunity to bring some sob-story about his life into the lunch conversation. I guess I don't know what the proper mix is. And then I wonder, realistically, does anyone? I highly doubt anyone is 100% put together, and if it's not this aspect of Mr. almost-perfect's personality, it's some other fault.
Insecure? Yeah, I'd say so. But I'm not pretending to be secure, just a different type of insecure.
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