I don't know what is wrong with me. My life is fine, my mom loves me, I have the things I need, I have a loving boyfriend. But I feel so dead inside. I feel so stressed with 3 major assignments I haven't done.
I have no will, no motivation to do anything. I just want to lay down and sleep my life away. I want to end it all, I don't know how but I think it would be easier than having to think about my future and such. I hate myself, I think I'm so ugly and I don't give a fuck with what anybody tells me. I don't want to be here, I feel like I don't belong. I try so hard with my mask, to make everything seem like I'm okay. I'm just not here, I feel like my emotions are slipping away. I don't know what to do, I'm scared I might do something I regret. My school work I don't want, I'm stupid anyway, I feel like I have no potential and never will. Doing horrible on a practice exam made me feel even worse.
Even though I think people would be better off without me, I worry about the people I may hurt, like my mom, my grandma, my brother and my boyfriend. I care for them so much, more than anything they could ever imagine, but I feel so empty. I'm so scared, I don't want this shit to ruin my future and I'm too much of a damn coward to commit suicide.
How can I resolve my suicidal thoughts, get my motivation back without going to a councilor? I don't want to talk to anybody, everyone thinks I'm fine and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to let down my walls. I'm already lowering them with my boyfriend and I'm so scared. All the past boys I have dated have hurt me, they've fucked with my psyche when I'm in a very moldable stage. Letting my boyfriend completely in scares the hell out of me. I can't let anyone get close, they'll just hurt me. I can be so paranoid that everyone is out to get each other. I'm such a cynical bitch. But he's so caring and nice, so sweet and so amazing. He's the most amazing person I've ever met. I feel like he could never hurt me, and he's never made me feel bad in the time I've known him. These negative thoughts are getting stronger, and I'm scared to death I'll push him away and lose him. I can be so cruel, so cynical, so distant when I'm scared.
God help me.
Comments
said:
said:
There are no instant fix to anything, and I'm sorry to hear your predicament, but do note that ending anything is never a solution -- the ones around you stand to lose more than you do, in such a situation.
Your courage to come here speaks volume of your desire for change, and deep down inside you know you can change.
Stick around with your family and positive people, because with positive reinforcement, you'll make it through.
All the best, and bring the fight on. You'll not come unscathed, but you'll walk away wining your battles. Pick a decent goal, and go for it. You'll soon find others who will share your goal, and it'll be better soon.
All the best.
said:
i've felt like that before and i imagine plenty of others have. a lot of the times once you step back from yourself a bit its like the worry of the problem is making it worse. can't say it'll go away over night, but in my experience, getting something to clear your head for awhile helps just stop worrying for a little while. then approaching it again will less tension helps. generally i use paintball to do it because i'm more focused on not getting shot that i truly wake up and focus for awhile, everything else is easier. so my advice, do something vigorous where you don't have to think for awhile, then go ahead and approach it again as relaxed as possible. just keep in mind that you are only human and should just take it little at a time, things will get easier. Though i doubt i'll ever know who you are, my heart goes out to you. You'll make it through and things will be fine, i promise. I hope this helped a bit.
olioli said:
If you're in hell, keep going.
I believe Winston Churchill said this.
Warning: Don't continue to read if you have something against nihilism (except it's not exactly nihilism anyways).
I wonder if this is just stress from the exam but I'll proceed as if it's not anyways.
Congratulations shadowfire, life is officially knocking on your door, or in your case, the one bringing down the walls or tearing off that mask. And it doesn't seem like it's going to stop either, looking at your past posts here..
Wake up and stop fighting it. What is it trying to say? Be the best cynical bitch you can be then. Be afraid. Why the fuck not? Because society said so? "Caring" family members? Stop lying to yourself.
Sit down, and figure out what's really real. What's REALLY going on. Try to make sense of it all on your own terms. Let life, let your fear guide you. See the bullshit of it all, the facade of it all. Fail those exams if you want. See what happens. Leave your family and friends if you want. See what happens when you do something regretful. However, don't do this out of anger at the world. Even that anger is full of bullshit memories. See what's really real.
Yes, it's all meaningless. Lose that will to live. See what happens. If you die, you die. At the very least, for the first time in your life, you've faced reality on your terms and not mislead by the facades of people and society. (And this includes your family, absolutely no one is isolated from your views)
And Warning: This part is what sends people to mental hospitals.
Shadowfire, life has plan for you. It might mean death (doesn't have to be a physical one) but trust it. And NEVER stop. Once you stop, life will come crashing on you again. Ride the wave of life. It's a never ending ride.
Nothing is wrong with you. Remember this. Never let anyone else's bullshit make it seem otherwise. "You gotta improve" "Better your mindset" Bull-fucking-shit. From whose perspectives? If you think my words are bullshit, go ahead. I'm just telling to think for yourself.
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